Why your kids act like a**holes

Kids can be a**holes, its true

Thanksgiving break is almost over, and let me just say—I might need a vacation to recover from having my kids home for an entire week.

Here’s just a sampling of things they did that made me question whether I’m raising kids with my genes:

• My son loudly proclaimed, in front of everyone, that he wished I didn’t exist.

• One kid hoarded their Starbucks pumpkin loaf and refused to share a single crumb with their sibling.

• My boys decided that the perfect place for a full-on wrestling match was in front of the entire extended family.

• One said my Thanksgiving meal contribution was “gross”

You’ve been there. You know the feeling.

• First, the shock: What just happened?

• Next, the reaction: You say (or yell) something crazy.

• Then, the regret: For what you said or did.

• Finally, the reflection: What am I doing wrong?

Here’s the thing—you're not alone. If you’re questioning your parenting skills because your kid did something outrageous this week, let me reassure you: it’s not just your kid. And science backs this up.

Why kids act like a**holes

If you’ve ever wondered why your kid can do the meanest, craziest things here’s some good news: there’s actual science behind it. Kids aren’t trying to be jerks—they’re just working with brains and emotions that are still developing.

Their brains are still under construction

The part of the brain responsible for managing impulses, making decisions, and understanding consequences (the prefrontal cortex) is a work-in-progress, one that won’t be fully developed until their mid-20s. That means when your 6-year-old decides to paint on the white carpet again; they’re just working with what Harvard calls a “developing executive function system.”

They think the world revolves around them
Egocentrism is a normal part of childhood development, especially for younger kids. Think of them as little celebrities—they’re not intentionally selfish, they just don’t yet realize other people have needs, too. Jean Piaget’s research on childhood development explains this as a phase in which kids view everything through their own lens.

They’re testing the rules
When kids push boundaries, they’re not being defiant just for fun—they’re figuring out how the world works. Testing limits is how they gather data: “What happens if I scream at the dinner table? Will Dad cave or enforce the rules?” They’re experimenting, which can feel maddening but is essential for their understanding of social norms.

Big emotions, tiny toolbox
Children experience emotions just as intensely as adults—sometimes even more so—but they don’t have the skills to manage them yet. Their limbic system (the emotional center of the brain) develops faster than the prefrontal cortex, leaving them with big feelings and no filter. That’s why a small disappointment, like getting the wrong color shirt, can turn into a full-on meltdown.

They’re watching you
Kids are sponges. Everything you do—how you handle stress, resolve conflicts, or interact with strangers—shapes their behavior. According to research from Michigan State University, they’re most likely to copy actions that receive some sort of positive reinforcement. So while they might not repeat a bad word they overhear at school, if saying it gets a laugh, you can bet they’ll try it again.

How to handle it without losing your mind

The next time your kid acts like a total a**hole (and they will), remember: they’re still learning, growing, and figuring it all out. Here’s a simple framework that can help

1. Pause: It can mean the difference between modeling calmness and joining them in the chaos.

2. Reframe: They’re not doing it to you. They’re figuring out emotions, boundaries, and life itself.

3. Model: If you want your kids to learn kindness and patience, you have to show them what it looks like and put them in situations where they can see it.

4. Laugh: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is find the humor in the situation. Because if you don’t laugh, you’ll probably cry.

Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Your kids are still growing, and so are you. So the next time your kid pulls some outrageous stunt, remember: it’s not you, it’s science. Pour yourself a second cup of coffee (or maybe something stronger), and keep going. You’ve got this.