Why parental stress is the new epidemic

This week, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy released a Surgeon General’s Warning that parental stress is a significant public mental health issue.

It’s about time. This is what it took to finally get some attention on what we’ve all been feeling since becoming parents.

I encourage you to take time to read the entire advisory, Parents Under Pressure. But for now, let’s focus on a crucial aspect: how this stress impacts your ability to be a present, emotionally available parent.

The Day I Hit My Parenting Low

I’ll never forget the day I hit rock bottom as a parent. I had three kids under 6, including a demanding toddler.

My task was simple: pick up my child from daycare. But he wasn’t having it. He wanted to stay, and he kept running away while I tried to manage my other two kids. I finally wrangled him, walked home, and as soon as I reached the front door, tears started rolling down my cheeks.

It felt like a release—that hard moment at daycare was over, and I was home. But it was also a wake-up call. In that moment, I realized how much stress I had been bottling up inside. Stress I had been ignoring and hiding.

Sadly, I didn’t reach out for help—from my spouse, friends, or parents. It became my secret burden.

Lesson: Don’t be like me. Get the help when you need it.

What Happens When You’re Stressed

Parental mental health conditions can have far-reaching and profound implications—not just for you, but for your children, your family, and society as a whole. This isn’t just about feeling overwhelmed; it’s about the ripple effects that unchecked stress can have.

Consider these impacts:

• Physical Exhaustion: When you’re physically drained, it’s hard to muster the energy to play with your child, missing crucial moments of bonding.

• Mental Strain: Stress clouds your mind, making you forgetful and less attentive to your child’s needs.

• Distraction: When your mind is elsewhere, you can’t be fully present, leading to missed opportunities for connection.

For those of us in demanding roles—whether you’re leading a company, managing a team, or pushing hard to meet deadlines—the stress can feel relentless. But here’s the truth: the more stressed you are, the harder it is to be emotionally available for your kids. And emotional availability is what truly matters.

Emotional Availability: The Heart of Effective Parenting

Emotional availability means being fully present with your child, not just physically but emotionally. It’s about tuning into their needs, listening with empathy, and responding with love and understanding. This kind of availability fosters deep connections, builds trust, and is crucial for your child’s emotional development.

But when stress takes over, it diminishes your capacity to engage with your child in a meaningful way. You might find yourself snapping over small things, zoning out during conversations, or simply feeling too overwhelmed to connect.

As an executive, you know the importance of being present and focused at work. The same applies at home. Managing your stress isn’t just about your well-being—it’s about being the parent your child needs.

How to Be Emotionally Available

So, how do you stay emotionally available for your kids, even when the pressure’s on?

• Start by Taking Care of Yourself: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make stress management a priority—whether that’s through regular exercise, mindfulness practices, or simply making time for yourself. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about ensuring you have the capacity to be there for your family.

• Create a Secret Codeword: Establish a code word that your kids can use when they need your undivided attention. For example, one dad I know uses the word “Discussion.” When his kids say it, he drops everything to listen.

• One-on-One Tradition: Create a monthly tradition where you take each of your kids on a “One-on-One Adventure” day. This could be anything from a hike to a visit to a museum, or even just a special breakfast out. The key is that it’s a day dedicated to just you and one child, allowing for deep connection and focused attention.

• Mindful Check-In: Incorporate a daily “Mindful Minute” where you and your child sit quietly together, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Afterward, ask your child how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they’d like to talk about.

• Emotion Detective Game: Play a game called “Emotion Detective,” where you and your child try to guess each other’s emotions based on facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice. Follow up by discussing what might cause those emotions and how you handle them.

The Surgeon General’s report is a wake-up call, but systemic change takes time. As parents, we don’t have the luxury of waiting. Our kids need us now, and that means we need to take proactive steps to manage our stress and be emotionally available for them.

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.

What’s been on your mind lately? Let me know—I’d love to hear from you.