I missed the punchline

The stare and nod

I was sitting with my son after a meal when he said, “Mama, listen to my joke!”

I did what I’ve done more times than I’d like to admit.

First, he had to say it three times before I paid attention, like actually looked him in the eye.

Then he launched into his “joke.” I told myself I’d really listen this time. I wanted to follow it, remember the punchline, be present.

It turned out to be more of a five-part story.

I was tracking for the first two-thirds. But when he got to the punchline, which ended in a question, I gave the wrong answer.

“What?!” he said, confused.

I tried again. Asked for a clue. We laughed a little and moved on.

But later, I felt frustrated with myself, especially because we were on vacation. I was supposed to be relaxed, present, focused.

Instead, I was doing what I now call the stare and nod.

I was there. I heard the words. But I wasn’t really listening.

What’s getting in the way

It’s not that I didn’t want to be present. It’s that my mind was elsewhere.

• Something at work was still bugging me

• I was already planning the next stop on our trip

• I had a task bouncing around in my head that I didn’t want to forget

These things feel urgent. Like they need to be “handled” right now and only I can do it.

Meanwhile, the story, the joke, the moment in front of me feels small. Easy to miss.

Sometimes we even tell ourselves our partner is the one who’s tuned in right now, so it’s fine if we check out for a second.

And then there’s the attention economy.

Recent studies show that the average adult’s attention span has shrunk significantly in the past two decades, with some research suggesting we switch tasks every 47 seconds during computer work.

Social media trains our brains to move on quickly. To swipe right and scroll if we’re bored. But we can’t swipe past a conversation with our kid just because it isn’t immediately captivating.

This mental fragmentation carries over into our parenting, even when we think we’re off devices.

Why it matters

When we e start giving our kids the “stare and nod”, they notice.

They notice when we forget the details of the story they told us.
They notice when our responses don't quite match their excitement.
They notice when we’re physically present, but emotionally unplugged.

These little moments are the relationship. They add up. They build trust. And eventually, they determine whether your child sees you as someone who listens, or someone who doesn’t.

How to stay super present

If you’re finding yourself nodding along but not really tuned in, here are a few small practices that help:

Mental health: Stress, burnout, low-level anxiety all leak into how we show up for our families. I’m not a therapist, but I know this: if your mind is overwhelmed, your ears will be too. Prioritizing your mental health isn’t a luxury. It’s a requirement for showing up fully.

Make it sensory: Use more than just your ears. Repeat part of what your kid says. Ask a question to clarify. Do something side-by-side like a quick drawing game or a puzzle. You’ll be amazed how much more focused you feel when you use another sense.

Put the phone away: Even the presence of a phone in the room can reduce attention and connection. Try airplane mode for ten minutes. Or go even simpler: leave your device in another room while you hang out.

Throw the device out the door: More likely than not its your device that is getting in the way. You’re not present because you feel like you need to check Slack, email, or something else more useless.

Mirror and Match: Subtly mimic your kiddo’s posture or gestures during conversations. This technique fosters connection and demonstrates attentiveness, making them feel heard and understood.

Just ask! If you catch yourself zoning out, call it out gently. “Hey, I missed that part. Can you say it again?” You can never go wrong with honesty, and it allows you to jump back into the conversation.

You won’t always get it right

Neither will I. And that’s okay.

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about noticing when we’re distracted, and making a small shift toward connection.

Because next time, we might just catch the punchline.