Good intentions are making kids miserable

Last weekend, I witnessed something that’s stayed with me. At the end of my son’s football season, a parent confronted the volunteer coach. They weren’t upset about strategy or effort; instead, the complaint was about trophies. “Why didn’t every kid get one?” they demanded. The same parent also criticized uneven playtime during games.

On the surface, this might seem like a parent simply advocating for their child. But here’s the problem: this kind of behavior doesn’t stop at the football field. It grows. And it leads to something much larger.

When parents constantly step in, fight every battle, and shield their children from disappointment, they unintentionally rob them of opportunities to develop critical skills—like resolving conflict, managing emotions, and building resilience. Fast forward 10 or 15 years, and this lack of skill-building can contribute to a mental health crisis.

The silent epidemic of young adult anxiety

We already know how damaging social media can be for kids’ mental health (one of the many reasons I’m holding the line on that in our home). But there’s another, less talked-about factor that’s fueling anxiety and depression in young adults: a lack of life skills and coping mechanisms.

Young adults are considered 18-22 years olds, and your child will be there before you know it.

Research from Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education paints a sobering picture:

• Young adults in the U.S. report twice the rates of anxiety and depression as teenagers.

• In a recent survey, 36% of young adults reported anxiety, and 29% reported depression.

• The top stressors include:

  • Lack of meaning and purpose: 58% said they had felt a lack of direction in life.

  • Financial worries and achievement pressure: More than half of respondents cited financial stress (56%) and achievement pressure (51%) as factors negatively impacting their mental health.

These young adults aren’t equipped to navigate the complexities of life—and as parents, we bear some responsibility for this.

Are we getting in the way?

Parenting trends since the 1990s have leaned toward over-parenting. We micromanage playdates, orchestrate their activities, push them into high-pressure academics and sports, and smooth out their path every step of the way.

But what happens when these kids step into the real world? Suddenly, they’re expected to know how to handle failure, communicate effectively, and problem-solve—without ever having had the chance to practice those skills.

A 2011 study from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga found that children of “helicopter parents” were significantly more likely to be medicated for anxiety and depression. That’s a hard truth to swallow, but it’s also an opportunity for us to change course.

What can we do?

The good news is that we can raise resilient, well-rounded kids—but it requires intentional effort. The key is to shift our focus away from pushing achievements and toward fostering timeless skills.

Here are three practical ways to start:

1. Teach purpose by caring for others
   Engage your kids in helping others. Volunteer as a family. Let them mow a neighbor’s lawn or help a sibling with homework. Acts of kindness show kids that their worth isn’t tied solely to grades or trophies—they’re valuable for who they are and the good they do.

2. Focus on meaningful relationships
   Help your kids build meaningful connections. Encourage them to express their feelings, resolve conflicts, and support their peers. These social skills will be far more valuable in adulthood than a perfect report card.

3. Celebrate character, not just achievement
   Praise your child for the things that matter most: their perseverance, kindness, and integrity. Did they clean up their room without being asked? Did they offer to help cook dinner? Celebrate it. Skills like initiative and responsibility are worth far more than a participation trophy.

A new kind of parenting

As today’s parents, we have the benefit of hindsight. We’ve seen the effects of lax parenting in the ’80s, the tiger-parenting craze of the ’90s, and the helicopter parenting of the 2000s. Now, we have the opportunity to chart a new path—one that balances freedom and guidance, challenge and support.

Our role isn’t to remove every obstacle from our kids’ paths. It’s to walk alongside them, allowing them to stumble, learn, and grow. That’s how we set them up for the ultimate goal: thriving in the real world.

So, let’s take a step back, let go of the urge to control, and focus on equipping our kids with the tools they’ll need for a lifetime.

Your Turn
What’s one small change you can make this week to get out of your child’s way?